The ins and outs of IOP

IOP has been a strange experience, not at all what I expected. Yes, there were waifs and overweight people in the same room, although the bingers had their own program, so it was just Anas, Mias, and everyone in between. But people come and go in a flash – some are there for weeks, others drop in and out. Often it’s just me and one other person, or just me. Continue reading

Top 10 Things No One Tells You About EDs: Shrinkage

3611e345af053c26924436b3b1e9311d I’m starting IOP for adults (evening) on Monday, and rather than wax on about how freaked out I am and how I have no idea what I’m doing, I thought it would be far more entertaining to share the top ten things no one tells you about eating disorders. It goes without saying that eating disorders are not restricted to pretty blonde 16 year gymnasts/skaters/loners/whatever that are displayed in the dreaded Afternoon Special or that Very Special Episode of Some Cheesy TV Show (Full House – I’m looking at you). I’m a 40+ year old mom of two with a very successful career, and I have zero control over my ED.

That said, no one ever told me in those Very Special Episodes or the Lifetime movies about shrinkage. Oh, I know of the shrinkage men experience when swimming (how efficient!) Continue reading

Twisted in the weeds

I haven’t posted in quite awhile. I’ve thought about it, but I’m really having a hard time of late, and keeping a sane train of thought is a struggle. A few months ago, I thought I was doing pretty well. I wasn’t purging (much), I was eating (fairly) normally, I had a sponsor, went to EDA calls, and was working the steps. I even found a new nutritionist who specializes in ED. I stopped tracking (and deleted MyFitnessPal from my phone) and was considering tossing my scale. Continue reading

Humor and recovery

I’ve always been a serious person. I had fun – I remember laughing and goofing off as a kid, even in college. But somewhere along the lines I decided not only is it my job to tell myself what I should and shouldn’t eat, I also decided what feelings I should and shouldn’t have. Categorizing food as good and bad translated into categorizing emotions and feelings and experiences as good and bad. Because of that, I’ve missed out on life. Continue reading

Evicting my inner critic

I haven’t been posting in quite awhile because I’ve been afraid to come back here. I started this blog out of desperation and loneliness, out of a desire to connect with others like me. It’s embarrassing to be 40+ years old and battling an eating disorder. We watch the stupid after school specials and either it’s a young girl who dieted too much and became obsessively anorexic, or a competitive athlete trying to shed a few pounds who became bulimic. But I’m not 16, I’m not a gymnast, and I don’t eat a single carrot stick with my girlfriends.  Continue reading

Not good enough… for me

I’ve been going to meetings – EDA, and I went to one ABA meeting too – and they’ve helped me get through the holidays. And the holidays weren’t bad. But this week is here. Back to work, back to school, back to life. I’ve been hiding out the past few weeks, chilling from a tough fall semester and trying to heal. Not sure I did any of that, but I’ve been eating. And going to meetings. And not purging. And mostly not restricting. And I keep reminding myself it’s “effort not outcomes.” Continue reading

My inner child, my core, me?

So on EDA everyone [ok, not everyone, but a lot of people] talk about their inner child and I’ve been thinking it’s a bunch of Yo-Yo-Ma-and-Lil-Buck-LEAD1-560x245hooey. But T has been saying I need to find calm in my life and it has to come from inside of me, that there is a calmness and a core that I need to find. I’m not into metaphysical stuff – I’m a professor for pete’s sake – but it’s odd that everyone around me is essentially saying the same thing.
And I know I need work. GOD I need work. I can’t do a single thing without becoming completely overwhelmed. So last night, Continue reading

Disproving denial

So I’ve talked about voice #1 – “the bitch” – the one who berates me, tells me I’m stupid, makes me feel like an awkward 12 year old girl with braces left on the side at the junior high dance. But there’s been another voice of late. She hasn’t shown up in a while, but I’m actually glad to hear her. Madame Denial. That’s right – I’m glad to hear Madame because it means I’m getting somewhere. She only shows up when she’s threatened. Continue reading