I’ve always been a serious person. I had fun – I remember laughing and goofing off as a kid, even in college. But somewhere along the lines I decided not only is it my job to tell myself what I should and shouldn’t eat, I also decided what feelings I should and shouldn’t have. Categorizing food as good and bad translated into categorizing emotions and feelings and experiences as good and bad. Because of that, I’ve missed out on life. Continue reading
I haven’t been posting in quite awhile because I’ve been afraid to come back here. I started this blog out of desperation and loneliness, out of a desire to connect with others like me. It’s embarrassing to be 40+ years old and battling an eating disorder. We watch the stupid after school specials and either it’s a young girl who dieted too much and became obsessively anorexic, or a competitive athlete trying to shed a few pounds who became bulimic. But I’m not 16, I’m not a gymnast, and I don’t eat a single carrot stick with my girlfriends. Continue reading
I’ve been going to meetings – EDA, and I went to one ABA meeting too – and they’ve helped me get through the holidays. And the holidays weren’t bad. But this week is here. Back to work, back to school, back to life. I’ve been hiding out the past few weeks, chilling from a tough fall semester and trying to heal. Not sure I did any of that, but I’ve been eating. And going to meetings. And not purging. And mostly not restricting. And I keep reminding myself it’s “effort not outcomes.” Continue reading
So on EDA everyone [ok, not everyone, but a lot of people] talk about their inner child and I’ve been thinking it’s a bunch of hooey. But T has been saying I need to find calm in my life and it has to come from inside of me, that there is a calmness and a core that I need to find. I’m not into metaphysical stuff – I’m a professor for pete’s sake – but it’s odd that everyone around me is essentially saying the same thing.
And I know I need work. GOD I need work. I can’t do a single thing without becoming completely overwhelmed. So last night, Continue reading
It’s not enough, you know. You spent the whole day “working” from home but what did you really get done? Three hours of TV. Picking up and dropping off kids. Yes, you kept the wood stoves going and you put some laundry away and made a few calls but it’s not nearly enough. You’re avoiding – you’re stuck. Continue reading
So I’ve talked about voice #1 – “the bitch” – the one who berates me, tells me I’m stupid, makes me feel like an awkward 12 year old girl with braces left on the side at the junior high dance. But there’s been another voice of late. She hasn’t shown up in a while, but I’m actually glad to hear her. Madame Denial. That’s right – I’m glad to hear Madame because it means I’m getting somewhere. She only shows up when she’s threatened. Continue reading
I eat, and the food sits like a rock in my stomach, and all I can think about is purging. Or cutting. Or cutting and purging and bruising and running and hurting myself in every way possible. But I’m working on it, I really am. Continue reading
It’s 11 o’clock, and I should eat. It says so on my food plan – evening snack. My food plan that my very expensive and talented dietician developed for me that I still don’t understand. But I’m not hungry, and I don’t want to eat. Continue reading
My father was diagnosed five years ago with cognitive impairment – a nice way of saying that his brain is fading away. Later, he was “upgraded” to vascular dementia with elements of Alzheimers. Immediately I turned to friends and a trusted family member and of course, Dr. Google and found out that vascular dementia is actually suckier than Alzheimers. The plaque in his arteries Continue reading
I cannot hear the stories of ED on the support call tonight over the growls of my stomach.
The growls that get louder and louder. Too loud. Go away, I say. I don’t need you. I will tend to you later… Continue reading