I saw T today – not my usual day, but she’s going on vacation (grr – happy for her, not happy for me, but whatever). We were talking about how I amazingly went to three parties this weekend and didn’t purge, largely because I planned ahead on stress (I ran) and food (I tried to eat before and after but that didn’t go as swimmingly as I’d hoped). But I didn’t purge. *bow and clap*
She got that look on her face – you know the look. Not judgmental, because that doesn’t work with me. Not scolding… just…. curious. And so she carefully asked me why I didn’t get around to eating after yesterday’s party even though I’d barely eaten all day. And I had some lame comments but not really excuses… until I said in frustration that I’m tired of having to plan my food all of the time. I wish I could just have an IV hooked to my body and never have to eat. That earned me the double-eyebrow-raise. And T doesn’t do that often. She said something profound but my mind is swiss cheese these days and I can’t remember it as much as I really wanted to. Do I mention here that T is not fond of my taking notes during our sessions? She also won’t look at my PERT charts for recovery 😉
I completely understand that normal people like eating food and I do too but it’s such a chore. It’s hard to find foods that are safe, and now that I have a meal plan it’s even harder to find foods that meet my daily overload of carbs and fat. As much as I love the taste of a perfectly done steak with sautéed mushrooms, or a plate of jalapeño poppers and a margarita, or mashed potatoes (*sigh*)… I’d give all of that up forever if I never had to think about food again. It’s exhausting. It’s hard. I don’t do it well, and now she wants me to plan out my meals in more detail for the week! I can barely plan out child care for the week.
So, ED friends – what is so bad about wishing I could just not eat and get the minimum requisite nutrition (or average, I could live with average) to sustain me via an IV? I know it wouldn’t happen (for one, I’d have to have a PIC line installed – lame medical joke). But what is so triggering/awful/dangerous/whatever about that thought? I’ve felt that way longer than I can remember. That I could just keep going if I didn’t need sleep or food and how awesome that would be.
If you could help comment on this, I would be immensely grateful, because I am so confused and lost.
On a completely separate note, I’m having a “procedure” tomorrow – which is essentially a code word for a biopsy plus a very uncomfortable GYN test on my endometrial lining. So as I’m sitting here drinking scotch and eating a s’more, it is my way of giving myself a hug. But I’d still rather have an IV to feed me… as long as I could still have a martini or margarita now and then.