Lost in the wide weird world

I saw T today – not my usual day, but she’s going on vacation (grr – happy for her, not happy for me, but whatever).  We were talking about how I amazingly went to three parties this weekend and didn’t purge, largely because I planned ahead on stress (I ran) and food (I tried to eat before and after but that didn’t go as swimmingly as I’d hoped).  But I didn’t purge.  *bow and clap*

She got that look on her face – you know the look.  Not judgmental, because that doesn’t work with me.  Not scolding… just…. curious.  And so she carefully asked me why I didn’t get around to eating after yesterday’s party even though I’d barely eaten all day.  And I had some lame comments but not really excuses… until I said in frustration that I’m tired of having to plan my food all of the time.  I wish I could just have an IV hooked to my body and never have to eat.  That earned me the double-eyebrow-raise.  And T doesn’t do that often.  She said something profound but my mind is swiss cheese these days and I can’t remember it as much as I really wanted to.  Do I mention here that T is not fond of my taking notes during our sessions?  She also won’t look at my PERT charts for recovery 😉

I completely understand that normal people like eating food and I do too but it’s such a chore.  It’s hard to find foods that are safe, and now that I have a meal plan it’s even harder to find foods that meet my daily overload of carbs and fat.  As much as I love the taste of a perfectly done steak with sautéed mushrooms, or a plate of jalapeño poppers and a margarita, or mashed potatoes (*sigh*)… I’d give all of that up forever if I never had to think about food again.  It’s exhausting.  It’s hard.  I don’t do it well, and now she wants me to plan out my meals in more detail for the week!  I can barely plan out child care for the week.

So, ED friends – what is so bad about wishing I could just not eat and get the minimum requisite nutrition (or average, I could live with average) to sustain me via an IV? I know it wouldn’t happen (for one, I’d have to have a PIC line installed – lame medical joke).  But what is so triggering/awful/dangerous/whatever about that thought?  I’ve felt that way longer than I can remember.  That I could just keep going if I didn’t need sleep or food and how awesome that would be.

If you could help comment on this, I would be immensely grateful, because I am so confused and lost.

On a completely separate note, I’m having a “procedure” tomorrow – which is essentially a code word for a biopsy plus a very uncomfortable GYN test on my endometrial lining.  So as I’m sitting here drinking scotch and eating a s’more, it is my way of giving myself a hug.  But I’d still rather have an IV to feed me… as long as I could still have a martini or margarita now and then.

2 thoughts on “Lost in the wide weird world

  1. While I can’t comment personally on ED, I think a IV sounds pretty darn convenient, especially given the troubles you have mentioned here. What I really understand is the effort and time it takes to make food. It’s painful.

    Good luck with your procedure!

    P.S. I had to chuckle at your explanation of T’s expressions. I’m sure they do whole semester of appropriate scowls and eyebrow wiggles in front of clients.


  2. Jay – you made me laugh! My T is very reserved and quiet, but I bring out the goofy side of her, I think. Perhaps it’s because I’m constantly poking at my own disordered thinking. Yeah, I still don’t get why the dream of an IV is such a bad thing. Seems like it would be so convenient, but it probably has to do with not paying attention to hunger clues, etc.

    Procedure went well – thank you. Biopsy results await. It’s going to be a long week.

    More to come tomorrow…

    Liked by 1 person

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