The illusion of control

I cannot hear the stories of ED on the support call tonight over the growls of my stomach.

The growls that get louder and louder. Too loud. Go away, I say. I don’t need you. I will tend to you later…

after this call

after this exam

after this email

after this goodnight story

after this article

after this blog post.

And then the growls cease, and I am pleased. As I listen to the stories of giving up control, of accepting ED for what it is, I am happy because I controlled ED tonight. I denied it food. I pushed through the discomfort and now I feel the buzz of utter and complete control. I won, you lost. Don’t you see?

In not eating, I am free. I am free of this physical body that frustrates me. This body that has cankles and thunder thighs, with stomach flubber from having babies that no amount of crunches can get rid of. This body that inconveniently needs sleep and food. This body that holds me back.

The women and men continue to talk and their stories read like mine. And I know I will be them in a few weeks.

But I’m not ready to let ED go just yet. Right now I want to luxuriate in the freedom of denial. I want to enjoy the peace of silence in my stomach. I want to feel the numbness that comes with shutting my body down.

I thirst, but I do not drink

I hunger, but I do not eat

I tire, but I do not rest

I am invincible. No mortal body can conquer me. Everything else is weakness, and I am strong. I can take it – I can take all of it – I can do more, please give it to me, because I cannot fail.

I cannot fall – I only can fly. It’s the only option open to me. Everything else is unacceptable.

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