Not enough sanity, just muddled thoughts

It’s not enough, you know. You spent the whole day “working” from home but what did you really get done? Three hours of TV. Picking up and dropping off kids. Yes, you kept the wood stoves going and you put some laundry away and made a few calls but it’s not nearly enough. You’re avoiding – you’re stuck. But it’s not my fault. I can’t go to the bank to deposit the checks because I’m not sure my ATM card works. Plus it’s right by the other bank where the safe deposit box is and I need to take things and put them in, but I have to finish the passport applications for the kids first, and when does my passport expire? And CVS is right there – I need copies of the kids’ school photos that have been sitting there for a month – last year’s didn’t even get done. But do I send a photo to my mother-in-law who thinks that I’ve conspired to put hair in her food and all around her house for the last 18 years? And the magazines to send to my brother, the bill I need to pay and mail. Can’t go to the post office until all of those things are ready. And the passport applications. But I can’t print those out because the printer’s not working because I need new ink. I think. I might have ink in my office. My office that is now a bit of a mess with the kids’ spring clothes that made it through the last laundry load. And while I’m thinking of clothes, my oldest needs a new uniform sweatshirt for school as the one he wears is two sizes too big.

And school. He didn’t do well on his math test so I should work with him on that. I wonder if there’s a cool book on how awesome math is so he could get a little more excited about it? That would make a nice Christmas present. But there’s the Christmas party on Saturday and I have to get gifts, but with work how am I going to go shopping? And what do you get the kids who just want video games as gifts to open in front of all of the family? And I wonder if my twisted mother-in-law will be there? And what do I bring? What food will feel safe that I can make in the next few days?

How will I fake not having an ED with 57 of my husband’s cousins, aunts, and uncles watching me. They’ll say I’m so skinny, but they have no idea. How can I handle that? Wine? A Klonopin? I’m such an outsider, I never know what to say. I’ll be fake Barbie-wife like usual. Perfect on the outside, dying on the inside.

What will I wear? I need to get my hair done, it’s a mess and I look like a schlub. My youngest needs a haircut too but how will I fit that in? He needs basketball shoes too, I can’t keep having him play in his regular sneakers, or at least that’s what DH tells me.

All I know is that there’s so much to do and I roll it all up into this endless ball and I can’t unravel it or start to fix it or do anything because it’s all so overwhelming. And I haven’t even typed up my meal plan because I can’t decide to do it in Word or Excel or maybe I should write an app for that.

Because no matter what I do, what I get done, there’s always more to do. And no matter how far I get, it will never be enough.

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2 thoughts on “Not enough sanity, just muddled thoughts

  1. Oh my goodness, this could so be my life! Wood stoves, picking up & dropping off, laundry, pretending I do or don’t have an ED, my kids only want money cards to put towards their online computer games, I got thru thanksgiving with a little help from klonopin and wine….I haven’t done any of my computer work at work since last Friday…yup and it’s all good because it has to be.

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  2. ABG – thank you! I’ve been going to EDA meetings on the phone and online lately and they’ve been a huge help but half of the time I don’t know if it’s ED or depression that’s calling the shots. My doc has put me on a “preemptive” dose of Klonopin – so now I take it twice a day, and she upped my ADs. I hate the chemicals but I don’t deny that it works.

    Christmas party this Saturday and honestly the only way I’ll survive the “oh my God, you’re so skinny!” comments are K&Wine. I just hope DH is ready to be designated driver.

    Be well –
    S

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