My inner child, my core, me?

So on EDA everyone [ok, not everyone, but a lot of people] talk about their inner child and I’ve been thinking it’s a bunch of hooey. But T has been saying I need to find calm in my life and it has to come from inside of me, that there is a calmness and a core that I need to find. I’m not into metaphysical stuff – I’m a professor for pete’s sake – but it’s odd that everyone around me is essentially saying the same thing.
And I know I need work. GOD I need work. I can’t do a single thing without becoming completely overwhelmed. So last night, even though I was tired, even though I’d barely seen the kids and I wanted to go to my littlest’s basketball practice, I went to yoga. And it was good yoga – flowing yoga, moving my body and feeling free yoga and I realized how much I’ve MISSED that. I’ve practiced on and off for nearly 20 years but yoga for the past few months has been chatty hold-a-position yoga and I don’t like that. Last night was quiet, flowing, breath work, moving, wow yoga. And at the end we did a meditation thing [don’t ask me the terminology – I’m lost] that was… wait for it… connecting with your inner knowledge or something to that effect.

So I’m trying to get meditative and struggling and I kept feeling that I’m on the right path. My life is a total mess right now, I have absolutely no control over ED and my depression is off the charts, I can barely sleep,

But an opportunity came up at work that normally I would have jumped for. Promotion, high profile, high risk, huge hours, huge commitment. They didn’t ask me but I was thinking of putting my name in. By all accounts, I should do it. Except one. I’m not healthy. I’m not strong. I’m not even close to weak, I’m that low. T said the other day that I met all of her “intake criteria” and that scared the bejeezus out of me. I’m exhausted, physically, emotionally, psychologically. I cannot move forward, I am frozen. And here, frozen in my yoga mudra – spelling? – but hey I remembered the phrase! – I heard something. It said – no f*ing way! You are not doing this. And I knew. I couldn’t. Well, I could, but I would seriously and significantly harm my recovery. And I told my husband, and he looked at me like I had three heads that I’d even considered applying for the job. Not because I can’t do it, but because I need to heal.

So along the inner child line and listening to myself, I’m trying to figure out just who the hell I am. And I’m doing that by trying to rekindle the things I love. Reading, yes, been doing that forever. Puzzles – my befuddled brain can’t handle them, I’m embarrassed to say. TV, yeah, blah. Music. My kids are playing instruments and my youngest likes me to play piano for him so I do now and then and it’s been fun. And I realized how much I missed playing the cello.

I could wax on for hours about how much I loved the cello – the feeling of my fingers, the bow, the vibrations against my body, the feeling of getting lost in the music. And when I was 14 [hello, trigger age!] my parents forced me to go to an all-girls’ boarding school as a day student. And three of the four things I was into – math, science, cello/piano/singing/music, and sports particularly soccer – sucked and/or didn’t exist at my new school. No orchestra, no string group, no string quartet, no singing ensemble, no jazz band, no concert orchestra, no pit orchestra… see my point? Our labs sucked, our science teachers except for one were really weak, and our math teachers didn’t know what to do with me. And I quit piano because I didn’t have time.

And watching my sons learn their instruments, learn how to ski [oh how I missed that!], enjoy playing around has made me realize that I want to play! And I want to buy a cello. It’s absurd, I know. But I have the money from a small inheritance, and I want to buy a cello. I want to play. Badly. Well, I don’t care. Ok, I do care. And even though my husband said in a loving way that I have a tendency to dive into something for a few months and then forget about it, and I know he’s right, I WANT this. I want to feel that way again. I want to perform. I WANT TO PLAY.

Today I rented a really beginner cello for a few months and played for the first time in more than 25 years. It wasn’t heavenly but it felt right. My fingers were rough. My bow was ew. My kids thought it was cool and were amazed. My husband didn’t comment. And I couldn’t help but think my inner child/inner core/whatever was happy in her yoga mudra. Namaste.