Now that I’m a post-grad…

I “graduated” IOP two weeks ago. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal (very few people graduate – they either move down, or move out/quit). There was a rock ceremony which sounds silly but it was very humbling, hearing people I thought I barely knew say wonderful things about me. Afterwards, I felt like celebrating, only I didn’t know who would understand why I’d want to celebrate. So I drove home, stopping for a hot fudge  Continue reading

Evicting my inner critic

I haven’t been posting in quite awhile because I’ve been afraid to come back here. I started this blog out of desperation and loneliness, out of a desire to connect with others like me. It’s embarrassing to be 40+ years old and battling an eating disorder. We watch the stupid after school specials and either it’s a young girl who dieted too much and became obsessively anorexic, or a competitive athlete trying to shed a few pounds who became bulimic. But I’m not 16, I’m not a gymnast, and I don’t eat a single carrot stick with my girlfriends.  Continue reading

Not good enough… for me

I’ve been going to meetings – EDA, and I went to one ABA meeting too – and they’ve helped me get through the holidays. And the holidays weren’t bad. But this week is here. Back to work, back to school, back to life. I’ve been hiding out the past few weeks, chilling from a tough fall semester and trying to heal. Not sure I did any of that, but I’ve been eating. And going to meetings. And not purging. And mostly not restricting. And I keep reminding myself it’s “effort not outcomes.” Continue reading

Disproving denial

So I’ve talked about voice #1 – “the bitch” – the one who berates me, tells me I’m stupid, makes me feel like an awkward 12 year old girl with braces left on the side at the junior high dance. But there’s been another voice of late. She hasn’t shown up in a while, but I’m actually glad to hear her. Madame Denial. That’s right – I’m glad to hear Madame because it means I’m getting somewhere. She only shows up when she’s threatened. Continue reading

Eating Disorders Anonymous – First Meetings

I’ve been frustrated that so much of the information about ED recovery out there seems to be targeted to teenaged girls. There are a billion misconceptions about ED that someday I’d like to correct, but that day isn’t today. Part of ED is the shame, guilt, and secrecy. We know what we do isn’t right or healthy, but we’re afraid of admitting we have a problem because we don’t want to be judged. We don’t want anyone to see we are less than perfect, and most of all, we don’t want anyone to know how much we hate ourselves. Continue reading