Is someone in awe of you?

My definition of amazingI was talking with my husband the other night, and I told him how much I am in awe of our children. It isn’t what they do – or what they can do – it’s who they are. They are good kids. Really good. DS1 is so bright he scares me, he furrows his brow when he reads, and he makes breakfast in bed for people just because. DS2 went up to a teammate of DS1’s and hugged him after their team lost in the playoffs. He never leaves me without a giant hug and a kiss, and he is unashamed at being nutty and daring and funny and just himself. He prays for strangers.

My kids play Jingle Bells together before school. They love life so much, not just their lives but life in general. Everything is shiny and new and when I try to pull myself out of the fog of “and how am I going to screw them up” I can just enjoy, for the moment, two independent lives who just love living. Continue reading

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Scarring and scaring

There’s this amazing mom-blogger that I read even though I would not wear 90% of what she does and fashion blogs are not a healthy place for AnaMias to hang out, no?  I read her blog because she gets what it’s like to be a mom, to love your kids like crazy, to feel a little crazy, and to act a little crazy.  Then last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  And in between posts about skinny jeans and hairbands there were posts about losing breasts and hiding baldness.  Instead of cocktails with her friends, she wrote about chemo cocktail hour at the hospital.  And now, thankfully, she is cancer-free.

I bring this up because while I am not a fashion blogger (nor do I wish to be) and I don’t have cancer, I got my biopsy results this morning.  And at age 43, for the second time in my life I found myself waiting for the news that hopefully some of my cells haven’t gone all wacky on me.  I thought I’d feel relief but instead I feel numb.   Continue reading

Lost in the wide weird world

I saw T today – not my usual day, but she’s going on vacation (grr – happy for her, not happy for me, but whatever).  We were talking about how I amazingly went to three parties this weekend and didn’t purge, largely because I planned ahead on stress (I ran) and food (I tried to eat before and after but that didn’t go as swimmingly as I’d hoped).  But I didn’t purge.  *bow and clap*

She got that look on her face – you know the look.  Not judgmental, because that doesn’t work with me.  Not scolding… just…. curious.  And so she carefully asked me why I didn’t get around to eating after yesterday’s party even though I’d barely eaten all day.  And I had some lame comments but not really excuses… until I said in frustration that I’m tired of having to plan my food all of the time.  I wish I could just have an IV hooked to my body and never have to eat.  That earned me the double-eyebrow-raise.  And T doesn’t do that often.   Continue reading