Not enough sanity, just muddled thoughts

It’s not enough, you know. You spent the whole day “working” from home but what did you really get done? Three hours of TV. Picking up and dropping off kids. Yes, you kept the wood stoves going and you put some laundry away and made a few calls but it’s not nearly enough. You’re avoiding – you’re stuck.  Continue reading


Is someone in awe of you?

My definition of amazingI was talking with my husband the other night, and I told him how much I am in awe of our children. It isn’t what they do – or what they can do – it’s who they are. They are good kids. Really good. DS1 is so bright he scares me, he furrows his brow when he reads, and he makes breakfast in bed for people just because. DS2 went up to a teammate of DS1’s and hugged him after their team lost in the playoffs. He never leaves me without a giant hug and a kiss, and he is unashamed at being nutty and daring and funny and just himself. He prays for strangers.

My kids play Jingle Bells together before school. They love life so much, not just their lives but life in general. Everything is shiny and new and when I try to pull myself out of the fog of “and how am I going to screw them up” I can just enjoy, for the moment, two independent lives who just love living. Continue reading

Scarring and scaring

There’s this amazing mom-blogger that I read even though I would not wear 90% of what she does and fashion blogs are not a healthy place for AnaMias to hang out, no?  I read her blog because she gets what it’s like to be a mom, to love your kids like crazy, to feel a little crazy, and to act a little crazy.  Then last year she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  And in between posts about skinny jeans and hairbands there were posts about losing breasts and hiding baldness.  Instead of cocktails with her friends, she wrote about chemo cocktail hour at the hospital.  And now, thankfully, she is cancer-free.

I bring this up because while I am not a fashion blogger (nor do I wish to be) and I don’t have cancer, I got my biopsy results this morning.  And at age 43, for the second time in my life I found myself waiting for the news that hopefully some of my cells haven’t gone all wacky on me.  I thought I’d feel relief but instead I feel numb.   Continue reading